Stitch by Stitch

November 9, 2012

grief, Loss, Sorrow

November 7th marked five years since losing Judson.  The anniversary of his death always includes lots of raw emotion for me; my heart was torn to pieces when Judson left my arms and it is ever so slowly being stitched back together.  But the seams of healing get especially pulled, yanked, and stretched on days that accentuate Jud’s absence.  Some of the sutures unravel, some of the threads break and fray, and some of the holes tear, leaving my heart more tender, raw and exposed.

Yet, the loosening and rupturing of the stitches simultaneously highlights their welcomed presence.  I am more aware of the ways my heart continues to be bound up, gradually sewn together over time.  God is mending my heart.  Although the torn edges are always visible, as they are restoratively stitched together, my heart grows in its capacity to function in the face of brokenness…

Stitch by stitch by stitch.

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13 Comments on “Stitch by Stitch”

  1. Darlene Says:

    Sending you (((HUGS))) across the miles. I am always here for you,Christina. I have been loving and missing your sweet boy along side you. Judson has touched my heart in more ways then one. May God wrap his loving arms around you as you continue to heal your hearts as a family. Judson will always be with you. <3 D.

  2. Freya Remmer Says:

    Hi Christina,

    I remembered you and prayed for you on November 7th. I’m glad that your hearts gradually healing… it would seem impossible, but God does do the impossible.

    I still think about you and pray for you often.

    Freya

    • CLevasheff Says:

      Freya…I cannot believe this comment was made on the day Zane died. I have so many tears as I know God must now do the impossible in your own heart.

      For those of you reading comments, Freya unexpectedly lost her son Zane on the very day she made this comment here. Please be in prayer for her family!

  3. Judy Says:

    Your heart is mending – what a blessing. When my son died, I felt it was the amputation of my soul. Forever, a piece was missing. Now, 20 years later, I’ve finally healed and appreciate the gift of his short life. Thank you for sharing your honest words. Grief is a process, as you are well aware of. Glad you a finding comfort after 5 years.

    • CLevasheff Says:

      Thank you so much for commenting, Judy. As you know this is a long, long, long journey. My heart is mending, but there are many more stitches needed…many, many more!

  4. Anne Myerscough Says:

    That day is coming for me also! Christina, and your words were much the same as I just discussed with professional. I remember, but …… I remember the terrible stuff and not the grand personality of the child. I struggle as to why, I do this? For without the breath of the children, we would never of gotten to have it all. Thinking of you always, Christina!

    • CLevasheff Says:

      Oh Anne, I love your honesty. I think it is natural when the pain is still so raw and massive that it is difficult to see around it. I know without a doubt how much you relish Chance and his grand personality…it’s just that the “terrible stuff” continues to throb so profoundly that it’s really hard to focus on anything else. I hope you won’t be too hard on yourself. I get it…and I’m with you! Missing Chancy Pants with you!

  5. Linda Swift McDonald Says:

    Thoughts and prayers to you all. tears falling.

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